Collierville First Baptist Church

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Good morning. I'm glad that you're here.

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September the 14th. Why am I mentioning September the 14th? I believe we have a very important event taking place at the church that day. It's our marriage conference.

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Now you'd say, pastor, why all this emphasis on marriage and family? Because I believe with all my heart that a community and a country is only as good and solid as the families that make it up. I believe that with all my heart.

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I heard about a little boy who was asked to be a part of a wedding and he was the ring bearer.

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And so he goes down the aisle

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and every three rows he stops and he does this. Ah, he does it to one side, then he does it to the other side.

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He does that all the way down.

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And later somebody asked him, why did you do that?

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He said, they asked me to be the ring bearer.

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Now communication is very important.

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Ladies, if you're having a wedding,

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make sure you communicate well with the ring bearer

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and the flower girls and all that kind of stuff. Make sure you communicate well. But communication is important in marriage.

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And that's going to be the theme, the subject of our marriage conference.

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September the 14th. I want you to mark it down. I want you to decide right now that NFL football or nothing else will keep you away from this marriage conference. You need to make an investment in your family.

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Now, today I'm going to speak to you on Harmony in the Home. Last week we talked about marriage and family.

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Today, Harmony in the Home. And then we'll have another sermon on the family and then that will be September the 14th. And I'll be preaching during that service a sermon on some aspect of the family. But today we're going to deal with something that every family faces, conflict.

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At one time or the other, in some way or another,

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a family has to learn to deal with conflict.

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Now, conflict in families can be devastating,

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a self-centered spouse, a disrespectful child,

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a rebellious teenager, an abusive dad,

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or an adult son or daughter whose life is spiraling out of control can unleash a tidal wave of misery and mayhem in any family.

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I heard about a man and his wife who got into a heated argument.

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She snapped at him, "You don't seem to like any member of my family."

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And he shot back, "That's not true. I love your mother-in-law."

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Now, you'll have to think about that in just a minute.

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I'm not sure that making a joke is the best way to handle conflict.

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Now, there is the win at all cost approach or the tendency to give in to avoid conflict or the silent treatment. Men, have you ever gotten the silent treatment?

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I'm not going to make any comments.

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But today, I want to share with you a strategy

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to deal with conflict and resolve conflict in your family so that relationships will be strengthened, not weakened. Now, open your Bible to Ephesians 4.

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Ephesians 4.

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I want to begin by just reading verses 17 to 24 because 17 to 24 sort of puts the ball on the tee for our text today.

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So Paul wrote to the Ephesian believers and he said, "So this I say and affirm together with the Lord

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that you walk no longer just as the Gentiles also walk in the futility of their mind,

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being darkened in their understanding, excluded from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the hardness of their heart.

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And they, having become callous, have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity with greediness.

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And you did not learn Christ in this way.

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If indeed you have heard him and have been taught in him just as truth is in Jesus, that in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old life, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lust of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth."

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Now there's a very important point that Paul is making here as he sets up this text dealing with conflict resolution in the home or in the church or in a workplace or wherever. Because let me tell you, what I'm going to share with you today works in home, it works at your place of employment, it works everywhere.

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These principles have carry over value. And here's what he's saying, if you have repented of your sin and placed your faith in Jesus as your Savior and your Lord,

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then you must choose to live in a way that is consistent with your new nature.

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Understand this, if you're a believer here today, you're a new person in Christ, you have new priorities,

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you have new power, you have a new purpose.

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And so it's very important that as believers, and this is what Paul is setting up with the Ephesian believers, that you live consistently with your new nature. That will make an amazing difference in your family, in your home.

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So here's the point I want to make to you today.

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Harmony in the home is God's will.

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You know what, I'm a little concerned that we have accepted a dumbed down version of what the home should be.

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I'm afraid that we see sin everywhere, therefore we see sin nowhere. We see conflict everywhere, politically, nationally, globally, everywhere. Therefore we accept it in the home. And that's not God's will. It is God's will that you have harmony in your home. Let's just make sure we get that down and root that in your heart.

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This morning, I'm going to share out of this text, I'm going to point out today, Ephesians chapter four, verses 25 through chapter five, verse two, six principles that will help you to resolve conflict in your home. Six principles.

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Number one, tell the truth.

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Look at verse 25.

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Therefore laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.

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Speak truth emphasizes a very important point.

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Relationships are built on trust and trust is built on truth.

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You got to remember that.

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You will never have harmony in your home.

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If you don't learn to tell the truth and to demand that everybody in your home tell the truth.

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Speaking truth in the midst of a conflict is an absolute must.

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However, we must be careful how we speak that truth.

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The Bible insists that we must speak the truth in love. Verse 15, but speaking the truth in love, that's how we speak the truth.

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You can resolve your conflicts in a way that honors the Lord Jesus Christ,

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strengthens your relationships and preserves harmony in the home. Here's principle number one, tell the truth. Principle number two, keep your cool.

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Keep your cool.

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Look at verses 26 and 27.

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Be angry and yet do not sin.

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Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity. Now, there are two kinds of anger.

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There is righteous anger and there is unrighteous anger.

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It's perfectly reasonable for a believer to be angry when sin rears its ugly head and our most cherished relationships.

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Sin breeds conflict.

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John Stott made this point.

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He said, we human beings compromise with sin in a way which God never does.

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In the face of blatant evil, we should be indignant, not tolerant, angry, not apathetic.

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If God hates sin, his people should hate it too.

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Notice the restraint that Paul inserts here.

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We are to be angry and yet not sin. You say, pastor, how in the world can I be angry and yet not sin?

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Well, if you handle your anger in the right way, if you're angry over the right stuff, God approves that.

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Let me ask you a question.

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If somebody tried to sell drugs to your child, would you be angry?

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You better believe you'd be angry.

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Your blood would boil.

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But how you handle your anger is very important in that situation. And Paul goes on to say, and do not let the sun go down on your anger. Interesting thing here is two Greek, different Greek words for anger.

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The second Greek word, do not let the sun go down your anger,

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refers to anger that is mingled with irritation and resentment.

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We're not talking about somebody selling drugs to your kids here where you're just really angry.

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We're talking about the spouse getting on your nerves and you go to bed and you're a little resentful and irritated.

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And the Bible says that you should not go to bed. You should not go to sleep or you should not let the sun go down on that kind of anger.

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We might listen. We must not make a shrine out of our anger.

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Have you ever known anybody that made a shrine out of their anger?

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And they were proud of the fact that they were full of anger and they would fly off. And they say, that's just the way God made me. No, it's not.

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God didn't make you to fly off the handle and to cause irreparable damage to people around you. That's not God's will.

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Listen, Chuck Swindoll said, "Appropriate expression of anger never causes fear, never belittles,

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never intimidates and never shuts another person down."

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So here are the first two principles of how we can resolve conflict in our homes.

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Number one, tell the truth.

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Number two, keep your cool.

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And here's the third one, put others first.

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Now I've gone to meddling, right?

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Put others first.

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Ephesians 4.28, look at it.

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"He who steals must steal no longer."

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He must steal no longer.

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"But rather he must labor performing with his own hands what is good so that he will have something to share with one who has need."

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Let me ask you a quick, have you stolen things from your family?

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That could be a blessing to them. Think about it.

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Maybe it's the selfish use of money.

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Maybe it's breaking the confidence.

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Maybe it's an improper use of time.

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Maybe it's a blatant act of disobedience.

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Maybe it's an obsession with social media.

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Maybe it's an unbalanced focus on your career.

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Maybe it is an emotional attachment to a member of the opposite sex, that's not your spouse.

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This kind of stuff will rip a family apart.

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Have these unmet expectations created friction in your family.

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Are you selfish or do you put others first? In Philippians 2.3-4, Paul wrote, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit,

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but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves.

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Do not merely look out for your own personal interests but also for the interests of others." I believe that one of the major sources of conflict in our homes is selfishness.

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We want to do what we want to do. We want to do what we want to do, when we want to do it, and we don't care who else doesn't like it or doesn't agree with it. That kind of attitude will create irreparable damage in your family.

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We must be considerate of others. So here's the truth we're going home with today. Harmony in the home is God's will.

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And to resolve conflicts in a healthy way and to have harmony in the home, number one, you got to tell the truth. Number two, you got to keep your cool. Number three, you got to put others first.

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Here's number four, guard your tongue.

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Guard your tongue.

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Look at verses 29 and 30. "Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth,

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but only such a word as is good for edification,

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according to the need of the moment,

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so that it will give grace to those who hear.

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Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."

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Now this term and unwholesome word in the Greek language,

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it is a word that is rotten and worthless.

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That's what it means. It's a word that injures or causes dissension.

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As followers of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must seek above all else to please Him and to honor Him. And that includes what we say and how we say it.

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In 2011, in the Leadership Journal, Gordon McDonald shared a story about his friend, Dr. Paul and Edith Rees. Both of them were in their 90s. They'd been married for over 60 years.

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And Gordon McDonald asked them if they still have arguments, if they still have disagreements, do they still have conflict in their home, even though they're in their 90s? And Dr. Rees responded and said, "Oh, sure we do."

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He said, "Yesterday morning was a case in point.

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Edith and I were in our car and she was driving in her 90s. She failed to stop at a stop sign and it scared me half to death." He said, "So what did you do, McDonald last?"

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Well, I've loved Edith for all these years. And I've learned how to say hard things to her, but I must be careful because when Edith was a little girl, her father always spoke to her harshly.

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And today when she hears a man's voice speak in anger, even my voice, she is deeply, deeply hurt.

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But Paul, McDonald said, "Edith is 90 years old. Are you telling me that she still remembers a harsh voice from that many years ago?"

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She remembers that voice more than ever, Dr. Rees said.

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"McDonald asked, "So how did you handle that driving situation the other day?"

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He said, "I simply said, "Edith, darling, after we've had our nap this afternoon,

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I want to discuss a thought with you."

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And when the nap was over, I was calm. She was ready to listen and we solved our little problem.

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McDonald concluded, and these interesting words, he said, and I quote,

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"These are the words of a man who has learned that conflict is necessary.

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Can be productive, but must be managed with wisdom and grace."

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In Proverbs 12, 18, the Bible says, "There's one who speaks rashly like the thrust of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

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So remember what I'm about to tell you. If you're in a conflict with a member of your family or somebody at work or somebody at church, attack the problem that is causing the conflict.

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Don't attack the person you're having the conflict with.

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Attack the problem, not the person.

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When you use evil or rotten words in the heat of a conflict, the Bible says it grieves the Holy Spirit.

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Every believer in this room, every believer watching live stream, you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit indwells you. Your body has become the temple of the Holy Spirit.

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And it grieves the Holy Spirit.

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And we speak rotten words to somebody that we love and care about.

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So turn to Jesus when conflict arises. Never forget this truth.

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Harmony in the home is God's will, right?

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So pray for wisdom. Pray for Jesus' strength before you say one word.

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Follow the example of Dr. Ries. He didn't just snap when she ran the stop sign. Could have killed him, but he didn't snap.

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Now we've looked at four biblical Christ-centered principles that will help you resolve conflict in your home. Tell the truth, keep your cool, put others first, and guard your tongue. Here's the fifth one.

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Watch your heart.

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Watch your heart.

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Conflict exposes the weakness in your own spiritual life.

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Ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart for any word, deed, or thought that the Bible would consider sinful.

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Confess your sin to the Lord and forsake it. This will put you in a position to work toward a solution with the person you're having a conflict with. The worst thing you can do is to try to work with the person you're having a conflict with, and you've got sin in your heart.

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Because that conflict, I promise you, that conflict will cause that sin that's latent in your heart to come to the surface. It will, I promise you.

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Jesus said this in Matthew 7, verses 3-5. He said, "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye?

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But do not notice the log that is in your own eye.

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Or how can you say to your brother, let me take the speck out of your eye, and behold, the log is in your own eye.

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You hypocrite. First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." So let's just imagine. Let's use our sanctified imagination.

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I want you to imagine that here is a precious wife,

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and her and her husband are in a tiff. They're in a conflict. And let's say the husband has not dealt with the sin that he has in his own heart.

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And so he comes to his wife, and instead of attacking the problem, he attacks his wife.

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And he says some very unkind things to her. And he's trying to fix the problem. That's what men always do, right? Ladies always try to fix the problem.

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You want us to listen, but we don't listen. We want to fix it.

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And so he comes to his wife. He's got this stuff in his own heart. He's got a tube before coming out of his eye, and he's trying to take the splinter out of his wife's eye.

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Do you see how hypocritical that is? Jesus said it will not work.

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You've got to watch your heart.

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It's absolutely amazing how much relational poison can collect in someone's heart.

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Paul speaks to this in verse 31.

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He said, "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice."

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Now, bitterness is long-standing resentment.

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Wrath is a passionate rage.

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Anger is a sullen hostility.

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Clamor is shouting and screaming.

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Slander is speaking evil of others. And malice is plotting evil against others. Let me ask you, do you have any poison in your heart this morning?

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Do you?

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Remember, as a believer, you have committed yourself to Jesus.

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You are to live according to your new nature.

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None of this stuff can be tolerated.

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So ask the Lord to change your heart by draining the poison.

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Paul went on to list some stuff that the Lord wants you to put in your heart and wants you to take the poison out.

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Look at verse 32.

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"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,

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just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

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Make sure your heart is filled to the rim," or your cup overflows, as we sang a few moments ago.

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"It's filled to the rim, the cup overflowing with these three relational game changers." They are game changers.

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The first one is kindness.

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That's being gracious, not harsh.

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Tender-hearted is compassion, and forgiveness is treating each other the way God has treated you with mercy and grace.

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This is not pie in the sky stuff.

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This is real, and it makes a difference in our relationship in our homes.

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Here's the sixth and final principle.

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Love like Jesus.

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Love like Jesus.

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Look at verses 1 and 2 and chapter 5. But, pastor, that's a new chapter. You can't go over into another chapter. Yes, you can.

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Do you realize these chapter divisions came along way after the Bible came along, right?

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In Ephesians chapter 5, verse 1 and 2, notice the word "therefore." You know that word means look at what's just been said and see how it ties in with what's about to be said. "Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children." Do you realize that if you have repented of your sin and placed your faith in Jesus, the Bible says in John chapter 1, verse 12, that you are a child of God.

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Just don't get much better than that.

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"Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children,

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and walk in love." Live in love just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.

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So when conflict breaks out in your family,

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you must forgive the other person.

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Just like God forgave you.

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Forgiveness is a promise to not keep using the offense as a weapon.

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Now, if you truly forgive somebody,

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you're not going to bring up a failure that happened three days ago or three hours ago and keep bringing it up and using it as a weapon to bludgeon your spouse or your child.

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Forgiveness is a promise to not keep using the offense as a weapon and to not keep dwelling on the cause of the conflict.

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And it's to not talk to other people about what he or she did. It's not to get on the phone and say, "You can't believe what my jar-headed husband did. You can't believe it." That's not what you do.

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That's not forgiveness.

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Let nothing hinder your relationship with your family.

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You must love the people in your family with a sacrificial love.

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You must love the people in the church with a sacrificial love. You realize the Bible says that you're even to love your enemy. Jesus said, "Love your enemy."

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Love them.

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Love like Jesus.

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You might be thinking, "Pastor, I can't do it."

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Let me tell you, if you're a believer, you can do it.

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You can do it because the Holy Spirit of God will empower you

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to love like Jesus.

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I know sometimes we have conflicts and we're hurt.

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It may be a conflict between a dad and a son,

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a conflict between a child and a parent, a conflict between spouses. It could be a lot of different, or a conflict here at church with somebody.

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But I'm telling you on the authority of the inerrant, inspired, infallible, worthy to live in God, you can love like Jesus.

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He put that in you when He saved you.

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Jesus has made you a new person with new priority, new power, new purpose.

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Now, one thing that we're going to take away from here today,

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harmony in the home is God's will.

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Would you say that with me? Harmony in the home is God's will.

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So why would I point to Jesus as the master resolver of conflict?

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Why would I keep pushing you toward Jesus?

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Because you can't do it on your own, number one.

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But I want to make you aware of the fact that Jesus has solved the greatest conflict that has ever existed in all of creation.

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You say, what is that, pastor?

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Well, it's a conflict between us and God.

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You realize the Bible says that if you're not a believer,

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you're an enmity with God, you're an enemy of God.

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Now, that's a frightening statement.

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But it's true in Matthew 10.28,

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the Bible said, "Do not fear those who kill the body, but are unable to kill the soul, but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell."

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See, listen, if you're here and you've never repented of your sin and placed your faith in Jesus, you're in danger.

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You're in great mortal danger because you're an enmity with God.

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But 2,000 years ago, the Lord Jesus was incarnated into the human race

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and Jesus lived a perfect life.

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And Jesus, at the age of around 33, was willing to sacrifice His body and His blood on the cross so that you might be forgiven, so that you might be reconciled with God, so that the enmity and the brokenness that exists between you and God could be forever erased and you could be forgiven of all your sins.

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So Jesus went to the cross to reconcile you. He was raised from the dead to justify you before God.

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You may be here today, you say, "Pastor, I want to be reconciled to God.

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I want to be justified before God."

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Well, in just a moment, I'm going to invite you to leave your seat and come to one of our staff members, there'll be down front,

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and just tell them that you want to be saved,

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that you want to be right with God, that you want to be reconciled with God.

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Now, let me tell you something.

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Nobody on the face of this planet can reconcile you to God but Jesus.

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It's the most important thing you can ever do in your life.

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Well, today, I'm inviting you to repent of your sin and place your faith in Jesus as your Savior and your Lord.

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But many of you in this room have already made that decision. You've been reconciled to God.

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You've been justified before God. You've put your faith and trust in Jesus. He is your Savior and your Lord.

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But you've come to church today,

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and the trip to church was a little icy, a little icy.

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Your spouse didn't say much to you because there's conflict in the home.

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Or maybe it was your teenager didn't say anything to you

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because there's conflict.

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And you know, conflict in the home stings, doesn't it? It hurts.

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And I'm inviting you today as a born again believer

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with a new priority, a new power, a new purpose, being a new person in Christ, I'm inviting you to come to this altar

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and to bow before the Lord Jesus and to ask Him

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to help these six things that we talked about today lifted right out of Scripture

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to make them real in your heart.

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Let's go over them one more time.

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Ask the Lord to help you to tell the truth, to keep your cool,

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to put others first, to guard your tongue,

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to change your heart and to love like Jesus.

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I'll tell you, make a world of difference because don't forget now,

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harmony in the home is God's will, but you can only do it His way.

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He's provided you six tools right here that you can apply in your life, in your situation to have victory and harmony in the home.

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I'm going to ask our staff to come. I'm going to ask our worship team to come.

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And we're going to have a time of worship.

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And if you're here today and you're looking for a church home,

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you're looking for a church that you can put your roots down,

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come to one of our staff members just tell them you want to be a part of Collierville First Baptist.

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Or if you need to be saved today, if you need to be reconciled to God today,

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come to a staff member and tell them you want to be saved.

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Or if you just want to come to the altar and pray and ask for the Lord Jesus

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to make these six powerful principles real in your own heart, you come.

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Father, in the name of Jesus, I thank you that you did not leave us on an island.

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I thank you, Lord, that you showed us in your word right here how we can resolve conflict in our home.

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And I pray, Heavenly Father, that this would be a breakthrough moment for families.

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I pray it'd be a breakthrough moment for that young man or that young woman or that that elderly man or that child that needs to be saved to reconcile to you. Oh God in heaven, move powerfully.

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Change your hearts, change your lives. In Jesus name.

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Amen. Let's stand and worship and you come as God leads you.

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And without you I fall apart. You're the one that guides my heart.

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Lord, I need you. Oh, I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness.

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Oh God, how I need you. So teach my song to rise to you.

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When temptation comes my way. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you.

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Oh Jesus, you're my hope and stay.

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Lord, I need you. Oh, I need you.

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Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness.

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Oh God, how I need you. Oh Lord, Lord I need you. Oh, I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness.

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Oh God, how I need you. Hey, would you bow your head? Everybody had bowed, everybody closed.

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It's just you and the Lord, okay?

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Let him have his way in your heart.

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Be very sensitive to what the Holy Spirit may be saying to you this morning.

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You know, you may be here today and you're a husband or wife and you're carrying the water.

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You're the only one carrying the water and you're trying to do everything you can to preserve your family.

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Don't give up. Be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord. Knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord. Keep on keeping on.

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Carry that water. Carry it for your family.

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Carry it for those boys and girls.

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Fight for your family. Don't ever give up.

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Listen, I've seen some miracles take place.

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I've seen a spouse carry the water for years and years and years.

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And then I've seen a drastic change in the other person.

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And that other spouse begins to carry the water too.

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Jesus changes their heart. Don't give up.

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Keep fighting for your family.

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Why?

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Because harmony in the home is God's will.

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Would you just pray right now where you are? You just pray.

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Pray for your own heart. Pray for your family. Pray for your sons and your daughters. Pray for your spouse.

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Pray for your sons and daughters. It's never too late with Jesus, I promise you.

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Pray for your sons and daughters.

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Pray for your sons and daughters. Lord, how I thank you

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that you've made a way, you've made a way for us to be reconciled to the Father.

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And you've made a way for us to be reconciled in our families,

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to resolve conflict in our families.

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Lord, right here in this simple little text, six principles

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that can help us resolve conflict.

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Lord, don't let this go in one ear and out the other ear.

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By the power of the Holy Spirit, drop it down into our hearts.

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And help us to apply these principles every single day that you allow us to live.

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We love you, Lord.

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Thank you so much.

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In Jesus' name. Sam, would you close us?

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Your connect card in the box in the hallways as you leave where our members drop their offering.

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Pastor mentioned the marriage conference.

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Parents, it's very important that you sign up. Now that marriage conference, somebody has asked, is it free? Yes, it's free. Through your faithful giving, we're able to provide this. But if you have children, please sign up so we can be prepared. And make sure to put on your calendar September 14th and be here.

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I mentioned ESL. If you would like to sign up to be a part of that, you can see me. I'll be next to the pastor in just a few minutes. Let's pray.

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Father, we come right now. We praise your name.

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Lord, as we go, help us apply these six principles because harmony in the home is your will. Help us remember that in Christ's name. Amen.